Cancer sucks.

But you probably already knew that, right?

And you probably already knew that cancer kills healthy cells. But would you like to know what cancer kills even more effectively? I’ll tell you. Cancer kills a healthy love life, that’s what.

Now on the one hand I can say that, in spite of my health, I’ve dated A LOT in the past year. It’s true. But the thing is, that they have almost all been first dates. Oh, yes, there were a handful of second dates and even a few third dates. But eventually they all come to the point where the woman has to decide if she wants to get in the ring with a guy who brings real risks to the relationship.

And so far, no one has been too keen on getting into the ring.
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I am no amateur when it comes to social gaffs. And for those gaffs that occur in the social space of online dating, I am a master. Here is a true story that happened to me last fall. So if you are interested in how to remove yourself from the dating world, read on and learn.....

I had set up a profile on match.com and had recently started emailing this one woman pretty regularly. It seemed we were hitting it off and were planning a face to face meet up. It was just at that time that I received my cancer diagnosis. So I emailed her and told her what was happening. I knew I would be spending some time in the hospital and then continue on to some unpleasant treatments for the following months. My main point? Don’t wait for me. I let her know I enjoyed emailing her but that it just wasn’t going to happen for us.

The following week, I was in a doctor’s waiting room and wasting time online with my laptop. I knew dating was going to be out of the picture for me for a while, but in a fit of self pity, I returned to the match website, if only to contemplate everything I would be missing in the coming months.

I then came across another great profile and before I could think twice, I habitually hit the Wink button. No big deal, I thought, nothing was likely going to come of it anyway.

Except it did. The next day I received this email....

“Dude! Don’t wink at me!!!!! Are you crazy? Didn’t you just tell my sister you had cancer? Are you a big liar?”

Yes it is true. Of the tens of thousands of anonymous people on match, I hit on two sisters. And when I looked at all the facts of the situation, I knew one thing. I was screwed. While I don’t think I necessarily did anything really wrong, at the same time I did EVERYTHING wrong. Hit on someone’s sister? Oh, man. There is no recovery regardless of the circumstances.

For the next two days I suffered a barrage of angry emails from both of the scorned women. Clearly, I looked like the biggest jerk in the world. All I could do then is close my laptop with a bemused smile. Man, some people just shouldn’t date, you know?

It is all well and good for single parents, or any single, to make a list of traits that they would like in a potential partner (if they want one). But there is another list that is even more important, I think.

This is a public service reminder that people usually don’t get what they want by playing it safe. If you live in a bunker that you peer out of now and then in order to scan the horizon, it is time to take a moment and ask yourself, what are you willing to risk for love?

Are you willing to...

1. ... be shown that you are not right all of the time?
2. ... get hurt and suffer disappointment?
3. ... be blameless if it doesn’t work out or get off the ground?
4. ... swallow your pride?
5. ... look foolish in the eyes of others?
6. ... let another see your weakest moments?
7. ... own your own insecurities and not project them onto another?
8. ... occasionally compromise your own needs for the needs of another?
9. ... learn?

Does this list look insurmountable? Can you do it? Are you willing to do more than wait for prince(ss) charming to land in your lap? And I don’t just mean “getting out there and meeting people,” though that certainly helps. I mean that after you do get out there, are you prepared to let your guard down and let life in?

Besides wealth, fame and a record of good deeds, there is another measure of someone’s life and that is simply to ask, “What were they willing to risk in life? What chances did they take?”

In the world of dating, there are red flags; serious issues that require closer inspection, but might be worked through, and then there are single statements that function like those emergency eject buttons that blast jet pilots out of crashing airplanes. Yes, these are all real first date quotes I have encountered.

“What? You haven’t heard of my guru, Babarashiswamimerti?”

“You don’t have any motorcycles?”

“Oh, I didn’t bring any money.”

“Are you going to finish that?” [RE: my dessert]

“I want to be an actress.”

“Steve Jobs is a ass.” (said immediately after I mention that I am an Apple consultant.)

“I feel a real connection with you.”

“You shouldn’t wear shirts like that.”

“I don’t read.”

“Do cats count as friends?”

. . . . . . . . . .

Start with a pleasant surprise. Add a pinch of hope. Add a dash of opportunity. Mix well. Take a small taste. Wait for batter to rise.

While waiting. Open another box of surprise. Pour it into another bowl and add joy.

Turn around for a minute to assess additional potential ingredients, like anticipation, excitement, friendship, communication, cooperation. Be sure not to confuse bewilderment with euphoria. Be sure not to confuse innuendo with innocence and most of all, do NOT confuse one bowl with another when you turn back around. Read More...

A few weeks ago, I had a nice email thing going with another part-time single parent I met on match. We made a few attempts at connecting in the real world, only to find that we never seemed to be available at the same time. We finally posted our full “shared parenting” schedules in an attempt to find a mutual minute of free time.

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