On a rare occasion a few days ago, I actually sat down in a coffee shop and orderred a cappuccino “not to go.” I sat down, took long slow sips, and drifted into a contemplative state. It didn’t last though because minutes later, I noticed, through the large window, a mother coming toward the coffee shop pushing a baby stroller and coralling two other small children around her.

My first impulse was to jump up and help her through the heavy glass door. But it wasn't necessary. She orchestrated her entrance with surprising grace. Her five year old son moved quickly ahead of her, pushed the door open and held it as she steered the stroller inside. Her three year old daughter stepped back to form a single file line and followed her mother inside. Throughout their brief visit, the mother spoke to her children with absolute calm, and affectionate respect. Her tone never wavered, nor did the volume of her voice ever betray her mood. She clearly was concentrating all of her attention on navigating this momentary respite in her day, yet she appeared completely calm. Their exit, a few minutes later with coffee in hand was equally graceful and in a moment, they were gone.

I sat there quietly thinking about what I had just seen. She was alone. She was in complete control. Her children were courteous and helpful. There was no fuss. There was no disruption to the quiet of the coffee shop. She was a parent in complete control of her world. But one question lingered before me. Could she have been a single mother? Well the question felt strange to ask in that context. And I found I got stuck on two philosophical implications of the question. The first one I’ll discuss now, the second I will post tomorrow.

First up, so was she a single mother? Well, yes. For that moment, she was. She was clearly alone and actively parenting her children. But wait, I hear you say. Mothers who care for their children throughout the day, and have partners who work, are not single mothers. She may indeed have had a spouse. And maybe that spouse was indeed out working a job at that very moment SO, if she had a spouse, than she wasn't a single mother, right? But I found that this answer did not settle well with me.

Is single parenting only defined when one parent must be the primary care taker and the income provider? That can't be. Because the fact is that many single parents rely on assistance from their ex partners in the form of child support or alimony or other similar payment. So these parents could not qualify as single parents under this definition. And that couldn't be right. So the question remained, just what made a single parent a single parent?

Is it the the number of hours each day you spend parenting the child on your own? If that is the case, than the majority of stay at home mothers in the world would qualify as single parents and that doesn't seem right either.

Is it when the other partner is not actively involved in the parenting? This would require the active parent to fulfill all of the household duties of home care and income generation, not to mention all of the tasks traditionally associated with fatherly and motherly roles. This is a somewhat satisfying answer, but for the unfortunate consequence that I would not qualify as a single parent since my ex is actively involved in our childrens' lives.

Could I call myself a part time single parent? Probably. Since I am actively parenting 50% of the time. But then what about the woman in the coffee shop? It is easy to imagine her day was filled with all the responsibilities of parenting at least half of the hours of the day depending on when her spouse returned home. In raw contact hours, she might even have more one on one time in her children's lives than I do with mine. So why would I call myself a single parent before her?

I came to one half assed answer, but it is the best I could come up with so far. For me a single parent is a single parent when they realize that they do not have the luxury of the opportunity for cooperative shared parenting. When a single parent gets sick, there is no backup. When they are feeling tired, there is no active partner there to pick up the slack. When they lose perspective, there is no partner there to provide counsel or even a little humor when things get stressful.

The absent parent may end up providing these things eventually, but they must be acquired through negotiation, contracts, mediation, etc. They cannot be relied on through trust and faith in a cooperative effort.

And this leads me to the second of my philosophical musings on this subject. Check back tomorrow for that. But in the mean time. What makes a single parent a single parent?

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